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[retested]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, AMANDA. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 102.92.004.06 *** gameover has joined 102.92.004.06 <gameover> This is Amanda. <gameover> If you need to contact me, do so here. <gameover> DO NOT waste my time with stupid shit.

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<GREATFLOOD>

[noasark]

[There is so much he wants to say. So, so much. Instead-]

He was, unfortunately.

[Let it be said that while he doesn't dislike Javert he does not especially like him either.]

Are you in Dyster right now?

I'm at my house there.

[He doesn't...he doesn't want to just keep this to text.]

<gameover> -> action!

[retested]

I'll meet you there.

[She's hardly left Dyster since her conversation with Javert; she knows the Fog God is everywhere, can hear her wherever she might be, but She still feels closest in the true Dyster, and Amanda needs to feel as close as possible to her replacement parent in this soul-crushing time. So it's not too long before she's knocking at Noa's door, her priest cape as ever-present as it had been before her disappearance.]

[noasark]

[The temptation to immediately say 'come in' so that he can just tackle a faerie with full force is...tragically strong.

Instincts bad. Don't do that.

Somehow instead, he pushes the door open from the shoe bench of the cozy dwelling, and once he's able to see her just...stares.

There she is. There she is! There-]

I didn't know...

[Oh, god he sounds pitiful. Ugh.] Mngh. I should get the tea...coffee? Ugh it's afternoon- I have...

...There's so much to talk about, [he finishes, lamely, drooping a little.] ...Bad and good, I suppose...

[retested]

[As much as she cares for Noa, a sudden tackle-hug from anyone, even him, would probably trigger a negative response of one sort of another. It's just the way her training rewired her.]

Tea. [Said quietly and without thinking it over. John preferred tea to coffee, so Amanda does, too.]

I heard some of the bad from Javert. [The hatred she places on his name is so deep it's practically tangible.] Just about the Fog God being caged. That's why I didn't seek you out. I've been...in my own head about it.

[noasark]

Tea it is. [He is not missing that hatred, and so rather than acknowledge the name with any words, he just nods.] It...

...I have a set of keys I have to give you. Just before your arrival...Atem vanished, [Noa says quietly, glancing up on his way to the kitchen.]

...They're for the workshop. ...He stayed busy the entire time; earned a cloak, and left an impression for everyone as long as he could.

[Hopping to the counter, he focuses on getting a kettle going.] ...I think we need the tea before getting into that though.

[retested]

[She feels touched to be receiving those keys. She'd intended on taking Atem under her wing as an apprentice shortly before vanishing, only to discover upon her return that he'd risen to the top of the ranks and likewise disappeared in her absence. It had been a sucker punch to hear that first time.]

Thank you. I'll put them to good use.

[noasark]

I know you will, [he says quietly, the kettle slowly bubbling beside them. Just as quietly he says-] ...I missed you. ...I know she can't control who stays, but it never helps it hurt less, when that happens.

[retested]

[She'd have missed Noa, too, if she hadn't spent the past two years unconscious and unaware. It takes her a few moments to figure out what to say next, and when she finally opens her mouth...

...well, it doesn't matter what she intended to say, because all that comes out is a strangled sob she fails to choke back.]

[noasark]

[Ah. Screw it.

Noa sits on his haunches, forelimbs spread like someone asking for a hug. Frankly, he is, but he can't bring the words to reality, no matter how he tries.]

[retested]

[Amanda resists Noa's wordless invitation for a few moments--she must already look beyond pathetic for crying so suddenly, why can't she just be stronger--but she caves soon enough, wrapping her arms around the small cat-boy and weeping into his shoulder.]

Why am I not good enough?

[Because that must be why she disappeared: Amanda is lacking in something, whether that's the strength and force of will needed to hold onto her place in this world, or proof of devotion to the Fog God. She wasn't good enough to be John's successor despite her overwhelming love for him, and despite all the blood and tears and suffering and adoration she's poured into her service to the Fog, she's not good enough for that, either.]

[noasark]

[Noa clings back- and like this of course his head fits rather well against Amanda's own shoulder, but as his own eyes well up it's clear he has no judgement himself. Quite the opposite in fact, especially as he hears those words. Something breaks a bit in his voice, and so close to Amanda's ear it is impossible not to hear it-]

...You are- You always were, [he manages, breathing in deep as he explains.] So many of us have asked Her Amanda- why people leave, why she sent them away, and every time...

She wept with us...because in her own words, she had no control over anyone's disappearance to begin with.

She's never wanted you gone, [Noa assures, clinging more tightly as he shakes.] Don't ever feel she has- I promise you, it's never been the case.

[retested]

[She shakes her head, mussing Noa's neck fur.]

I don't know why I'm even still a priest!

[Because she deserves to be cast aside. Despite all of Noa's kind reassurances, Amanda can't help but perceive her own disappearance as the gravest failure towards her Mother.]

I try so fucking hard but it'll never be enough, I'll never be enough, why would she give me another chance...?!

[noasark]

[Ah...so it seems yes, and as he clings he realizes that at least. His eyes still watery and tear-filled, his claws trying not to dig too deeply into the other as he holds her in a hug.]

...Does it matter? [he finally whispers gently, closing his eyes.] She has you here, without question- does a 'why' matter, when she clearly wants you here? If we don't question her for other things, would this be any different?

[retested]

[Of course it matters! she wants to scream. It matters that she know exactly how close the Fog God is to giving up on her entirely. How many extra chances could She possibly be willing to give someone like Amanda? Someone empty, a mere shadow of what a person should be? Amanda can't afford to fuck up again, because sooner or later it'll be one fuckup too many and she'll be thrown out like so much trash. I cleaned up your mistakes, and I forgave you for them, John had told her as she'd been in the process of making that one last mistake, the one that would convince him to consign her to death because she could no longer be trusted to do as he expected of her.]

It does. It matters. I can't...I can't keep failing her.

[noasark]

You're not failing her now, [he insists. Maybe it feels like protests, excuses, the words of a friend who refuses to see anything else but still-]

...You're here now, aren't you? ...Here, when she needs us most, in so many more ways than before.

[retested]

I guess.

[She can't give herself an out so easily by firmly agreeing with Noa. She doesn't deserve for any of this to be easy. What she deserves is to feel like shit and live in fear of being thrown away. It's the least she can offer in way of recompense for disappearing.

She gives a watery, rattling exhale and pulls out of the hug, roughly wiping her eyes on her sleeves. She can't quite meet Noa's gaze.]

Sorry. I can't be falling apart like that.

[noasark]

[Slowly, he pulls away after one last feline headbutt, only doing so when she does as well. She might not meet his gaze, but that doesn't mean he'll look away himself.] Amanda, I spent the entire reading of Atem's Will and Testament on the verge of tears and locked myself in my office for the next week.

I think all of us have a point of breakdown, where it matters, [he sighs, and as if to herald a need for a chance of scenery, the kettle clicks. Time to make that tea, he thinks, as he gets to it.]

I suspect I know what Javert already filled you in on...but there's unfortunately more that you wouldn't have encountered, or heard about- specifically what I'm trying to work toward resolving myself. Naturally the balance here is vital, but access to the world beyond Ryslig was made, and with it...we learned about something that She herself fears.

[retested]

[How? How could things possibly get even worse for the Fog God? What could She, the mightiest force in this world, the giver of everything, have to fear? Amanda feels dread mounting in her, twisting her stomach and making her heart pound against her ribcage as powerfully as any device she could build.]

Tell me. I need to know everything.

[noasark]

[Noa nods- but motions for them to sit in the small living room with the teas.] We'll want to be sitting for this- trust me, [he adds, moving to the room. Once she's at least in there- he'll understand of course, if she can't, if she needs to pace, anything- he'll start.]

What do you know of the 'Great War'- I know she explains a part of things to her new Priests, but I also know she explains it differently each time... ...whatever it was she told you, it was true of course, but the details of 'what now' are something she's been avoiding.

The world outside here- it's out of her control. It's covered in Fog that's out of her control, [he emphasizes, waiting to see if he either needs to explain the war properly, or if there's anything else he needs to start with.]

[retested]

[Amanda takes a seat...for now, anyway. And it's a good thing she has.]

Bullshit. [She's not actually calling Noa a liar; she just can't accept his assertion so readily. It's in Her NAME, for chrissake!] She IS the Fog. How the fuck do you expect me to believe there's some out there she can't control?

[As for what Amanda knows of the war....it may be best to give her a rundown anyway, because she's kind of floundering as a whole right now, regardless of what she's heard before or not.]

[noasark]

[Noa doesn't flinch, or protest, which no doubt only strengthens the trust- indeed after all he isn't lying. For Amanda's sake then, he explains the story behind the problem-] I'll start from the beginning; the War.

Our God was originally one of three, as you probably know; Fog, Day, and Night. She was the peacekeeper between her sisters- but their battles grew too much for her to peacefully come between.

The result of that was the seclusion of Ryslig...that much we knew, but we didn't know the gravity of the consequence. Amanda...the Fog outside of here was hers- but whether it was in her wrath for what happened, or as a consequence of killing Day and Night...what's out there was split apart. There were monsters out there, that she can't even speak to anymore, and they're beyond any sense possible, [he adds, visibly shuddering.]

...She doesn't think she can ever get what was hers back. Any questions about the world out there that we've now seen, about the monsters out there... ...she mourns and considers it all lost, never to be hers again. So...

[So...Noa breathes.] ...So, I've been studying what's out there to try and fix that.

[retested]

So what's the plan? How do you plan to fix it?

[It sounds like it would be a long, slow, perhaps even torturous effort for him, but Amanda can't help but jump right to looking for a solution. The Fog NEEDS them, dammit. She NEEDS them to fix this shit ASAP.

...just wait until Amanda suggests her own way of helping, Noa. He'll need to talk some sense into her before she gets herself killed (or worse).]

[noasark]

You're not going to like this, [He warns, but given the dry tone it at least isn't...a serious matter presumably, not the way everything else has been so far. Instead it's simply-]

A lot of research.

[Ah, go figure.] At the moment, a group of unaffiliated scientists- and I do mean that genuinely, do not let anyone try to convince you they're the 'fourth's' own, it's a matter of coorelation given their...origins...long story short they found themselves heavily infiltrated by his ilk, and they have since been handled, [Noa explains, grinning for a brief moment.

He coughs though, getting back to it.] Ahem- a group of unaffiliated scientists who overtook the ruins of Haftesal have been trying bit by bit to make their way out into the wastes for study. I've been using this to get my own work in place to see what can be done to make what's out there accessible and acceptable for Her.

I unfortunately know that the toxic haze as we'll call it, is definitely not something she can simply take in- one of her recent converts attempted to gift it to her and...mmmm.

[He narrows his eyes. He wants to find a good way to put this without accidentally setting Amanda on anyone after all.] ...They meant well but it drove her power out of control for a short time, arguably leaving her vulnerable for a few moments. Lessons were learned, [the cat finishes, looking back.]

Right now however my primary goal is finding a way to harmonize the energy. Tricky, given the toxic nature of it thus far. Those scientists I mentioned are in full hazmat out there and frankly, so am I.

[retested]

[She can't help but facepalm when he tells her only copious research can help. If only there were something tangible to do, too build--that's what she does, what she's best at, and it would be comforting to throw herself into that kind of work. To feel like she's actually making a difference.]

Fucking hell...

[But maybe there's another way. Something else she can do, however small. It would be so simple. Painful, to be sure, but simple. She jumps at the possibility.]

I can help with the toxic fog.

[She sounds positive about it. Eager to do it, too.]

[noasark]

Well put... [He sighs, the sound almost lamentous.

And then...he tenses. The cat's ears swivel back, an almost horizontal line at the scalp, as he slowly opens his mouth to speak.]

....I have a feeling I'll regret this...but how?