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[retested]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, AMANDA. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 102.92.004.06 *** gameover has joined 102.92.004.06 <gameover> This is Amanda. <gameover> If you need to contact me, do so here. <gameover> DO NOT waste my time with stupid shit.

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[noasark]

I know you will, [he says quietly, the kettle slowly bubbling beside them. Just as quietly he says-] ...I missed you. ...I know she can't control who stays, but it never helps it hurt less, when that happens.

[retested]

[She'd have missed Noa, too, if she hadn't spent the past two years unconscious and unaware. It takes her a few moments to figure out what to say next, and when she finally opens her mouth...

...well, it doesn't matter what she intended to say, because all that comes out is a strangled sob she fails to choke back.]

[noasark]

[Ah. Screw it.

Noa sits on his haunches, forelimbs spread like someone asking for a hug. Frankly, he is, but he can't bring the words to reality, no matter how he tries.]

[retested]

[Amanda resists Noa's wordless invitation for a few moments--she must already look beyond pathetic for crying so suddenly, why can't she just be stronger--but she caves soon enough, wrapping her arms around the small cat-boy and weeping into his shoulder.]

Why am I not good enough?

[Because that must be why she disappeared: Amanda is lacking in something, whether that's the strength and force of will needed to hold onto her place in this world, or proof of devotion to the Fog God. She wasn't good enough to be John's successor despite her overwhelming love for him, and despite all the blood and tears and suffering and adoration she's poured into her service to the Fog, she's not good enough for that, either.]

[noasark]

[Noa clings back- and like this of course his head fits rather well against Amanda's own shoulder, but as his own eyes well up it's clear he has no judgement himself. Quite the opposite in fact, especially as he hears those words. Something breaks a bit in his voice, and so close to Amanda's ear it is impossible not to hear it-]

...You are- You always were, [he manages, breathing in deep as he explains.] So many of us have asked Her Amanda- why people leave, why she sent them away, and every time...

She wept with us...because in her own words, she had no control over anyone's disappearance to begin with.

She's never wanted you gone, [Noa assures, clinging more tightly as he shakes.] Don't ever feel she has- I promise you, it's never been the case.

[retested]

[She shakes her head, mussing Noa's neck fur.]

I don't know why I'm even still a priest!

[Because she deserves to be cast aside. Despite all of Noa's kind reassurances, Amanda can't help but perceive her own disappearance as the gravest failure towards her Mother.]

I try so fucking hard but it'll never be enough, I'll never be enough, why would she give me another chance...?!

[noasark]

[Ah...so it seems yes, and as he clings he realizes that at least. His eyes still watery and tear-filled, his claws trying not to dig too deeply into the other as he holds her in a hug.]

...Does it matter? [he finally whispers gently, closing his eyes.] She has you here, without question- does a 'why' matter, when she clearly wants you here? If we don't question her for other things, would this be any different?

[retested]

[Of course it matters! she wants to scream. It matters that she know exactly how close the Fog God is to giving up on her entirely. How many extra chances could She possibly be willing to give someone like Amanda? Someone empty, a mere shadow of what a person should be? Amanda can't afford to fuck up again, because sooner or later it'll be one fuckup too many and she'll be thrown out like so much trash. I cleaned up your mistakes, and I forgave you for them, John had told her as she'd been in the process of making that one last mistake, the one that would convince him to consign her to death because she could no longer be trusted to do as he expected of her.]

It does. It matters. I can't...I can't keep failing her.

[noasark]

You're not failing her now, [he insists. Maybe it feels like protests, excuses, the words of a friend who refuses to see anything else but still-]

...You're here now, aren't you? ...Here, when she needs us most, in so many more ways than before.

[retested]

I guess.

[She can't give herself an out so easily by firmly agreeing with Noa. She doesn't deserve for any of this to be easy. What she deserves is to feel like shit and live in fear of being thrown away. It's the least she can offer in way of recompense for disappearing.

She gives a watery, rattling exhale and pulls out of the hug, roughly wiping her eyes on her sleeves. She can't quite meet Noa's gaze.]

Sorry. I can't be falling apart like that.

[noasark]

[Slowly, he pulls away after one last feline headbutt, only doing so when she does as well. She might not meet his gaze, but that doesn't mean he'll look away himself.] Amanda, I spent the entire reading of Atem's Will and Testament on the verge of tears and locked myself in my office for the next week.

I think all of us have a point of breakdown, where it matters, [he sighs, and as if to herald a need for a chance of scenery, the kettle clicks. Time to make that tea, he thinks, as he gets to it.]

I suspect I know what Javert already filled you in on...but there's unfortunately more that you wouldn't have encountered, or heard about- specifically what I'm trying to work toward resolving myself. Naturally the balance here is vital, but access to the world beyond Ryslig was made, and with it...we learned about something that She herself fears.

[retested]

[How? How could things possibly get even worse for the Fog God? What could She, the mightiest force in this world, the giver of everything, have to fear? Amanda feels dread mounting in her, twisting her stomach and making her heart pound against her ribcage as powerfully as any device she could build.]

Tell me. I need to know everything.

[noasark]

[Noa nods- but motions for them to sit in the small living room with the teas.] We'll want to be sitting for this- trust me, [he adds, moving to the room. Once she's at least in there- he'll understand of course, if she can't, if she needs to pace, anything- he'll start.]

What do you know of the 'Great War'- I know she explains a part of things to her new Priests, but I also know she explains it differently each time... ...whatever it was she told you, it was true of course, but the details of 'what now' are something she's been avoiding.

The world outside here- it's out of her control. It's covered in Fog that's out of her control, [he emphasizes, waiting to see if he either needs to explain the war properly, or if there's anything else he needs to start with.]

[retested]

[Amanda takes a seat...for now, anyway. And it's a good thing she has.]

Bullshit. [She's not actually calling Noa a liar; she just can't accept his assertion so readily. It's in Her NAME, for chrissake!] She IS the Fog. How the fuck do you expect me to believe there's some out there she can't control?

[As for what Amanda knows of the war....it may be best to give her a rundown anyway, because she's kind of floundering as a whole right now, regardless of what she's heard before or not.]

[noasark]

[Noa doesn't flinch, or protest, which no doubt only strengthens the trust- indeed after all he isn't lying. For Amanda's sake then, he explains the story behind the problem-] I'll start from the beginning; the War.

Our God was originally one of three, as you probably know; Fog, Day, and Night. She was the peacekeeper between her sisters- but their battles grew too much for her to peacefully come between.

The result of that was the seclusion of Ryslig...that much we knew, but we didn't know the gravity of the consequence. Amanda...the Fog outside of here was hers- but whether it was in her wrath for what happened, or as a consequence of killing Day and Night...what's out there was split apart. There were monsters out there, that she can't even speak to anymore, and they're beyond any sense possible, [he adds, visibly shuddering.]

...She doesn't think she can ever get what was hers back. Any questions about the world out there that we've now seen, about the monsters out there... ...she mourns and considers it all lost, never to be hers again. So...

[So...Noa breathes.] ...So, I've been studying what's out there to try and fix that.

[retested]

So what's the plan? How do you plan to fix it?

[It sounds like it would be a long, slow, perhaps even torturous effort for him, but Amanda can't help but jump right to looking for a solution. The Fog NEEDS them, dammit. She NEEDS them to fix this shit ASAP.

...just wait until Amanda suggests her own way of helping, Noa. He'll need to talk some sense into her before she gets herself killed (or worse).]

[noasark]

You're not going to like this, [He warns, but given the dry tone it at least isn't...a serious matter presumably, not the way everything else has been so far. Instead it's simply-]

A lot of research.

[Ah, go figure.] At the moment, a group of unaffiliated scientists- and I do mean that genuinely, do not let anyone try to convince you they're the 'fourth's' own, it's a matter of coorelation given their...origins...long story short they found themselves heavily infiltrated by his ilk, and they have since been handled, [Noa explains, grinning for a brief moment.

He coughs though, getting back to it.] Ahem- a group of unaffiliated scientists who overtook the ruins of Haftesal have been trying bit by bit to make their way out into the wastes for study. I've been using this to get my own work in place to see what can be done to make what's out there accessible and acceptable for Her.

I unfortunately know that the toxic haze as we'll call it, is definitely not something she can simply take in- one of her recent converts attempted to gift it to her and...mmmm.

[He narrows his eyes. He wants to find a good way to put this without accidentally setting Amanda on anyone after all.] ...They meant well but it drove her power out of control for a short time, arguably leaving her vulnerable for a few moments. Lessons were learned, [the cat finishes, looking back.]

Right now however my primary goal is finding a way to harmonize the energy. Tricky, given the toxic nature of it thus far. Those scientists I mentioned are in full hazmat out there and frankly, so am I.

[retested]

[She can't help but facepalm when he tells her only copious research can help. If only there were something tangible to do, too build--that's what she does, what she's best at, and it would be comforting to throw herself into that kind of work. To feel like she's actually making a difference.]

Fucking hell...

[But maybe there's another way. Something else she can do, however small. It would be so simple. Painful, to be sure, but simple. She jumps at the possibility.]

I can help with the toxic fog.

[She sounds positive about it. Eager to do it, too.]

[noasark]

Well put... [He sighs, the sound almost lamentous.

And then...he tenses. The cat's ears swivel back, an almost horizontal line at the scalp, as he slowly opens his mouth to speak.]

....I have a feeling I'll regret this...but how?

[retested]

[She narrows her eyes.]

Don't give me shit, Noa. Not right now.

[She laces the fingers of two hands together, rests them on her knees, and leans in closer. She's clearly VERY serious about this.]

How much do you know about sarin gas?

[noasark]

Incredibly lethal nerve agent, and can you really blame me for being worried?

[Still, he'll hear her out. ...For now.] I'll admit I'm curious about what sarin gas has to do with this though so go on.

[retested]

Did you know you can build a resistance to it? Not an immunity, there's no way, but if you breathe in a very small amount of it one day, then a tiny bit more the next, and even more the next...eventually, you'll be able to withstand breathing it in for quite a while with minimal recovery time after the fact.

[It's a lunatic idea, an absolutely unhinged thing to even THINK about trying, but she's not wrong. All John had needed to do was present her with the idea and tell her he believed in her, and she'd gone for it.

She holds up three fingers.]

Three hours. I can spend a little over three hours locked in a house, breathing an incredibly lethal nerve agent, while everyone else drops like flies around me.

Get me a sample of the toxic fog.

[Anything for Fog Mom. ANYTHING.]

[noasark]

[Oh. Oh god. Oh no. Oh no-]

It's fungal and parasitic, so no.

[Well that was fast. While there was a brief widening of eyes before the dry, strained reply, he at least he keeps going-] Normally I wouldn't doubt the potential here otherwise...but unfortunately, we aren't dealing with a literal toxin; this is something...alive, for lack of any better word, so it wouldn't work well with that method...

[....................................................] Three hours though, you managed an immunity up to three hours? [At least he sounds amazed? The cat does rub his head as he says this, clearly considering something.]

I can't justify getting a sample back here after what happened over Spring- but I can bring you to the wastes with us, at the borderline; at the very least, we know how to deal with it if it does start to take root...even if we'll be relying heavily on our gifts as Priests to do so.

[The trick is amputation. The worst kind!]

[retested]

[She grimaces.]

Fuck.

[Well, there goes that idea. So much for getting to feel useful.]

I don't know shit about fungi. I had to build the sarin resistance for a game; I played the part of a test subject to ensure one of the others made it out alive, and the kicks keeping us in the house with the gas coming through the vents would only unlock once three hours had passed.

[She relates this information like it's the most normal thing in the world.]

John and I never had a reason to work with fungi, or much of anything natural. But I'll go with you to the border of the wastes anyway. I need to do something.

[She's intimately familiar with both the concept of self-amputation and the best way to do it, so sign her the fuck up! She won't hesitate to do what needs to be done.]

[noasark]

Being frank, neither does most of the world. Fungi are one of the most alien things on the planet- even the normal one. Death as an extant form of life- the studies are enough to make my head spin.

[But, that won't do anything for their mood, so as he goes for his tea- he's let it cool, hm- he gives an impressed purr at Amanda's tale.] Well now- I take it the idea was that anyone who passed the test would possibly need assistance getting out? Or did you need someone to perform another task after the game?

[In any case.] Natural isn't easy to control after all- a single thing goes wrong and there's not going to be any dialing back. But yes; we might not be able to use any resistance tactics, but the best way to learn is to see, and you need to see this.

[The cat pauses, blinking at his friend. Given what he knows of her eagerness, he decides he'd better add one small request.]

...though I'd rather we both use the hazmat for the initial tour of the guide rope's limits at least, so that we can maximize the time...